Dear Jaz: A Love Letter to Myself
“Do not expect to receive the love from someone else you do not give to yourself…The light of love is always in us, no matter how cold the flame. It is always present, waiting for the spark to ignite, waiting for the heart to awaken.” - bell hooks
Two of my faves, Jade & Keia of the Gettin’ Grown podcast, did a thing last month and I love how all things work together because it’s totally in alignment with my own podcast episode entitled “Water the Root” which is out on all platforms ret na! 🔌
So, they did an exercise where they wrote letters to themselves. Inspired by a piece from Hello Necole by Shellie R. Warren, it was an opportunity to just love on, celebrate and empower themselves. This is definitely a concept I’m familiar with, as it’s one of the cornerstones of my journey of reparenting my inner child but I love how they framed it to set the tone for 2020.
So in honor of ValentiMe’s Day - which also happens to be my half birthday - I decided to follow suit.
Dear Me,
First off, I apologize. I apologize for wanting to shrink you, make you smaller, shut you down. You were mishandled over the years and ignorance and insecurity conditioned the way I regard you. And while that’s not your fault, I release you from that guilt and shame.
You were literally born worthy. You are meant to stand tall and shine BRIGHT. Somewhere along the line, you got the idea that maybe you’re too much. The truth is, whoever can’t handle you doesn’t have the range and probably never will. It’s not your obligation to help people see your light. Your job is to shine REGARDLESS, and any one who chooses not to bask in your light, is missing tf out. #OhWhale
I want to remind you that while we have our plans and dreams and goals and wishes and desires, Spirit is ultimately not only infinite in Her wisdom, but She is also ALWAYS fighting for us. You are always on Her mind. So when you tend to turn inward when things go wrong and try to figure out what happened that caused YOU to fumble, be gentle with yourself. Nothing surprises Her. Even your most embarrassing mistakes and failures were written before Jan brought you into this world, and they are just as important in the tapestry of your life as your greatest accomplishments. They all make you, you. And that's beautiful. You're beautiful.
Jaz, God wants you to LIVE. Live freely, live beautifully. Jesus came (and bled and died) that you might have ABUNDANT life - not subpar, not mediocre, not decent - ABUNDANT. That means all of the joy, all the peace, all the clarity, all the love, is inherently YOURS. Don't be afraid to explore and expand what your abundant life is. Don't let anyone box you into their expectations of you. You get to be whatever you want to be. You get to CHOOSE.
I want you to lean into fearlessness. Have the courage to say exactly what you want, and then have the audacity to expect it. And even when you feel afraid or anxious or nervous - do that shit anyway.
Remember Thanksgiving 1997 at Dad’s house when you sang Jesus Loves Me during the talent show portion? ‘Member how nervous you were? I wonder if Grandpa still has that video. Anyway, you were so nervous, but you did it. ‘Member the applause you got? Then your stepsister sang the SAME song, right after you. 🙄 It’s cool, you’ve always been a TRENDSETTER. I love that about you.
‘Member that one time in children’s church where you had to read a scripture for devotion? You chose John 3:16. You knew it by heart but you started reading it from the Bible cuz you didn’t wanna look up at the crowd. But by the time you got to the “that whosoever believeth in Him” part, you were in your bag! You closed the Bible, looked up and finished with the inherent Black girl confidence that can’t be emulated (though many try) and said, “shall NOT perish but have everlasting life.” Then you clicked in your lil block heels from Kohl’s and walked on to your seat. The other kids was looking like, “dang, she ain’t even have to read her whole scripture!” You felt invincible.
Looking back, I think those two memories were defining moments that helped you realize that you had a voice worth listening to. Not just vocally (cuz you do sing DOWN, make no mistake about it) - but you have the power to command a room. What’s on your heart is always worth sharing, worth tuning into and it’s important that you remember that you ARE the gift.
I give you permission to be you. To show up however tf you want to in this world. You can change your mind. You can tap into all of your facets. You can sing about Jesus loving you, you can talk about your growth and the lessons you’ve learned, you can write about your annoyance with church and America’s ugly history and current trash tendencies, you can talk about crystals and orgasms, you can share your pride in being a Black woman, you can SPEAK tf UP.
Remember your voice. Cherish your voice. Use your voice. You have a gift with words and people. God made you a connector for a reason. You were created to bridge gaps and bring harmony to spaces. You're the one that helps everyone feel heard. You're the glue that holds folks together.
Speaking of which, thank you for holding me. You hold all of my thoughts and feelings and secrets, and you house the miracle of all my body systems and all of the involuntary processes that help me live. Thank you for not folding. I promise to prioritize you, be kind to you, take care of you and make sure you drink enough water every day. I promise to listen to your heart and honor your body.
Keep singing, keep speaking, keep stepping out. Keep showing up and being your WHOLE self. Every part of you is good. You are seen, and loved and cherished by those who know you. Even when you feel like an awkward goober, you're still that bitch. Your time is here.
Your dreams are on the other side of that same fear you felt at the Thanksgiving ‘97 talent show. Fuck em up, sis.
I love you. Really.
To bad bitchery and bread,
Jazmine Brianna (you)
