Do the work, beloved.
When I think about what 2016 taught me, I seriously don't know where to start. I will say I'm grateful for it, but it definitely was one of those years I was immensely glad to kiss goodbye. Like... Even if 2016 DID bring me a sexy body, my dream job and a man, I still lost Prince, so ouch, you feel me? Like, that ALONE brought the year down several pegs.And since I was granted none of the aforementioned prayers, add to that the seemingly never-ending gross social climate of our country and world, the fact that a clueless bigot was elected as the next POTUS, PLUS my personal lessons, and GORL! 2016 was just so ugly to be honest.But because I am committed to living a life where I do not let life just happen to me, I always strive to find the lesson and move forward and BLOOM. After all, Ja(Z)mine needs sun AND water to grow, right? So, 16 days into 2017, I decided to write out the top 5 (in no particular order) lessons that I learned in 2016.
No matter how well you think people may know you, sometimes life can show you what's been there all along. And that could be good or bad. In my case, it was both. I was so sure of certain things and people in my life, and when life shook the table, I realized where I really stood when the dust settled. You can explain yourself and your intentions from Genesis to Revelation, but if someone is convinced otherwise, you just have to accept that they wish to remain in the dark. And the subsequent removal or at the very least, repositioning of people who no longer need space in your garden is a process that is painful, inevitable and necessary.
(and this is a lesson I think I learn every year at least 983741 times) God's timing is perfect, and the best way to get a sweet side-eye from Him is to map out your own plan. I moved back home at the beginning of 2016 and was convinced I'd be set up and in my own little pocket by March at the latest. In JULY, I moved back in with my mom. And I have since made peace with all of it - that it was all necessary. It IS all necessary. This season is so vital for me. When I decided to move back home, I called it (to myself) my #BackForTheFuture journey. I was going back, to move forward. Like my guy Simba. Extremely full-circle. And in learning (and re-learning) that God's timing is perfect, I also had to re-learn and remember that He sees me, hears me, knows me and LOVES me. Because. Whew.
God shows you who He is outside of yourself sometimes. My best friend inadvertently taught me some amazing lessons this year. We went through a situation together and dealt with it similarly and differently. And as we healed from it, God's work in HIS (my best friend) life showed me more about grace and forgiveness and transparency than I think I saw in my own journey. Of course I know those virtues to be extremely real in my own life, but there is something about having a front seat in someone else's healing process that can, in turn, heal you. Like, removing yourself from the equation and reading the chapters of someone else's life, as they live it.... it's a profound, humbling experience. Thank you, Chrish.
REJECTION IS REDIRECTION... AND IT IS PURPOSEFUL. BOOM.
God is not PETTY. I had to do away with this idea that anything God does is merit-based. Earthly parents often come up with an incentive system for their kids. Like, get good grades/clean up and in return you get money/social privileges or whatever else. Basically, I have to prove I'm worthy of whatever the reward is. But GOD is not like that. I can never prove to him that I deserve something or that I earned it. Every good thing that He gives me is a result of His love for me. So I had to stop thinking, I'm not where I wanna be in life because I have or haven't done 'xyz.'
Here's an excerpt directly from my diary, as I came to this realization. Sometime in October (Cue the Moesha journal music!) :
Now of course that doesn't mean that You don't have a wrath and cannot punish us. Cuz you are the Lion AND the Lamb. Gentle and patient with us, but You will snatch us too. And just like it says in Romans 6 - I don't wanna live my life solely dependent on Your freely given grace. You demand excellence and our best and want us to be great. But You know every hair on our head and know when we will fall before we even take a step so it's not like "see, now look at you, that's what you get." Every delay and denial and disappointment is a part of my purpose. They're all lessons, not ramifications of my being slaw. It's very true that self-sabotage has caused me to have to learn the same lessons more than once but this idea that You're sitting up there like, "see, I woulda given it to you but you be actin out!" is just not real or true. All of this was written before I was formed in Jan's womb. And it's up to me to want to be better and do better and remember that all things work together for the good of those who love You and are called according to Your purpose. And I know Your purpose for me does not involve excuses and being slaw and living below my potential. So I need to learn to challenge myself but not be hard on myself.
Yes. That.All of these lessons come down to the irrefutable fact that my Aunt Iyanla puts this way: I have to be willing to do the work.Speaking of work, let me go detangle my hair.