I’m tired of this church.

Titus. A mood. My muse, tbh.

Black church. I’m a product of it. I’m a lover of it. And I’m sick of it. 

Church has been a huge part of my identity for all of my life. It takes my mom to tell the story of how I’ve been shouting since I was two. I’ve always been the church girl. And I’ve always taken pride in that. Church was fun. I loved the warm tingle I’d feel when I would sing. I started to understand God at church. I sharpened my musical ear at church. I grew up in it. And then I outgrew it. 

The beauty of church is mystical. In terms of the actual Sunday service, it is an overwhelming experience. Beautiful singing and worshipping. Vulnerability. Freedom. People connecting and hugging and crying and praying and agreeing with one another for the change we all need. I’ve seen lives change, bodies be healed, chains be broken in real time. All of that is so real. 

Church has historically been treasured by my people. We often only had one good outfit, which we would call our “Sunday Best.” That’s how much we cherished it. Church was our chance to gather in a safe space where things were as close to right as they could be. At church, we could temporarily escape from our duties as slaves, or from the horrid reality of the Jim Crow south, or blatant racism and discrimination and pilfering of black lives at the hands of police. We had no choice but to build our hopes on things eternal, because the present was so unpredictably scary and tomorrow was not promised. We clung to our faith and honored the traditions our ancestors carried through time. Traditions like communion and standing in reverence when scripture is read. Those things are still sacred to me. I believe in honoring the customs and the history of our ancestors and the traces of our tribal roots in the way we connect with one another and use spirituality to cope and heal and remain grounded. I cherish all of that. 

But, church that targets women and tells us to be “wives in waiting” and admonishes us not to walk in the “spirit of girlfriend” and tells gay people they’re under attack and need to be free from the spirit of homosexuality and perpetuates the idea that we’re in the world but not of it and citizens of the kingdom so we don’t need to vote............ that church gotta go. 

I’ve been embarking on my own journey to truth and a spirituality outside of church and that journey has only further exposed everything that’s wrong with church culture and the kinds of things that we excuse in the name of the good that comes out of it. And I can’t do it. I can no longer ignore the foolery. I can no longer draw an imaginary line and say, “Well I don’t believe THAT though.” 

That’s no different from a white person voting for Trump but saying they’re not racist or an idiot. Like, you aligned yourself with filth, lunacy and HATRED. You made a choice.

Similarly, we make a choice to be a part of churches and denominations and groups who bash and attack marginalized folks and say offensive, HURTFUL shit in the name of Jesus but then we’re like, “I mean, don’t get me wrong, EYE love everyone.” I don’t know, maybe I’m overgeneralizing, but for me, the cognitive dissonance has reached its max. I’m sick of considering myself an advocate for marginalized people and making exceptions or concessions when the very place where we ALL should feel welcomed and safe, bullies and judges. I don’t want to excuse dumb ass theology and accept some “rules” that some self-appointed mfs wrote and tied to some unrelated scripture in the Bible, and now it‘s law. 

I can’t call myself an advocate and really be committed to living LOVE, AND knowingly subscribe to any belief, ideology or culture that contradicts that. Jesus was a social justice advocate. He died for everyone. He saved everyone. He is FOR everyone. I follow Him. I believe Him. I represent Him. He is not this asshole we’ve created.

SO, in the words of a young Black woke king who went viral in our neck of the internet woods: I AM TIRED OF THIS CHURCH. 

Part of the work I am doing as it relates to healing and shifting generational narratives in my bloodline is thinking about the type of parent I want to be to my unborn children (should I choose to have them, because the jury is out to LUNCH on that one, chile). I want to raise these hypothetical children (and encourage youth in general) to ask questions and come to understand things for themselves. Being inquisitive, skeptical even, is necessary in order to grow and be sure of yourself. As I raise them and shape them into well-functioning, well-loved people, I want them to be unafraid to question what they don’t understand. Even now, I’m open to and aware of the fact that 1) I don’t know everything and 2) I will not get everything right. So I made a (possibly premature) vow to never use the phrase “Because I said so.” in my Black household. I have a feeling that any elders who read this part of my piece will probably utter a collective, “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiid“ - and that’s fine, lol! 

But I think that type of knee-jerk response has created a culture within Christianity (and certainly Black households and spaces) where we feel like we can’t question things. We love to quote “in all thy getting, get understanding” but we don’t really mean it. 

Because when we really seek to get understanding - REAL ass understanding and truth of what we believe and why, it’s the proverbial tip of the iceberg. And real understanding requires the possibly painful process of taking a jackhammer to that foundation and uncovering the termite damage of colonialism, human ego and patriarchy. I watch a lot of Flip or Flop in my spare time if you can’t tell. 

The TRUTH is, God is everywhere. He is everything. And the lines that have been drawn are crooked as hell. And a lot of times, church runs on conditional love and acceptance. And DAS da problem. For me, a complete, ongoing overhaul was necessary for me to make sense of all of this. 

“Because I said so” and “it’s tradition” and “that’s how we were raised” and “that’s just how it’s always been”... those explanations no longer work for me. I mean, my ancestors had to write letters and just pray that they reached the intended destination. That was the best method and technology at that time. That’s where the world was then. But I’d be a fool to limit my communication to handwritten letters when NOW, phones and internet and WiFi and social media exist. Why wouldn’t I re-evaluate the way I communicate based on what I know NOW? 

So that’s my mission right now. I’m in a season of undoing and unlearning. And it has me completely side-eyeing what I know as church. And because I’m Black, I narrow my critique down further to the church that I grew up in. And I’m not even speaking of any particular ministry or edifice. I mean, the collective consciousness that perpetuates toxic and outdated ideologies, the unspoken and very overt homophobia, the abuse toward women... I’m just... tired of this church. 

And my journey thus far has been liberating. I have found God in the “conventional” spaces like worship music and devotionals. I have found God in nature. I have found God in my high musings. I have found God in astrology. I have found God in my relationships with my tribe. I have found God in myself. And now, I can’t go back to the way I used to church. 

I believe in being a vessel for people’s healing, and the need for community... but I don’t accept that church is the only place where that can happen.

And instead of struggling through some sort of forbidden territory, I am embracing this reframing process. Foundationally, I'm a follower of Christ. But I'm open to all sorts of spiritual practices, and that's exciting.

I love to think about the scene in Alice Walker’s The Color Purple where Shug addresses God in nature.

Dear God, Dear Stars, Dear Trees…

God is deadass everywhere. God is everything. I refuse to allow Him/Her, or myself to be boxed in, any longer. And one of the most liberating truths I've embraced is that the unknown is not a forbidden place.